Waking Up Over and Over

Had some trouble sleeping this morning. You know that thing where you wake up and think you're awake, but it's just a dream? I did that about five or six times this morning. Several times I awoke to another dream in which I missed my alarm and was late. Worst dreams ever.  I've never done this before, and it was making me sick.  (I think it all happened in the span of less than two hours, though because I was dreaming, it's hard to know.) 

Not Sleeping Again

I hate to admit it, but I'm back to not sleeping again. 
Last week was fine, but starting sometime this past weekend my sleep schedule got thrown off and I was having trouble falling asleep.  Generally, unless there's a noise problem, once I fall asleep I'm fine, but it's the falling first that has gotten me in trouble.  The last four nights or so I've gone to bed around my usual time, but ended up laying there until at least two in the morning. 
The last couple of days people have been asking me if I'm alright.  Elizabeth told me at dinner last night I looked sad, and I know I haven't been talking as much.  Those of you who have been my friends know how much I like to talk to people, but I honestly don't feel like it, and for the most part, I can't think of anything I want to talk about.
I suspect I look bad too, given how much people have been asking me if I'm okay. 
I just don't know how to fix this, because I would have already.  Last night while I was eating dinner I realized how tired I was, but it was early and I wanted to set myself back on my normal routine, so I decided to stay up until my usual sleep time.  And then when I got to that time, it was just like the last few nights where I couldn't sleep.

Christmas Eve

I did go out with my friends last night, but I had trouble sleeping on Christmas Eve's Eve.  I get up at eight every day, normally, and I think my brain is still trying to get me up at that time.  In addition to that, the neighbor's got this really awful dog.  My parents refer to these dogs as yippers, and I probably don't have to tell you what it is about this dog that was waking me up twice in the early morning. 
I shouldn't make excuses as to why I was so grumpy.  I was trying really hard not to be, but I get depressed at Christmas.  Without fail.  I can't remember a Christmas after my middle childhood that didn't get me sad somehow. 
I tried to get some things done, and then my Mom and sister wanted to go to the hospital to visit my Grandma.  I wanted to go too, so I came along. 
My Mom and sister decided they needed to go to a craft store, so I got dragged along.  While we were in the parking lot, I saw someone I went to school with years ago.  I don't think he saw me, thankfully.  I don't know what he's doing, and I luckily am not half the loser some of our fellow students have become, but I hate to rely on gloating.  Even if we could argue I deserve it. 
My Mom and sister spent a long time looking at frames and posters.  I think they originally went in just to exchange something and turned into a redecorating of the bathroom.  This happens a lot when they shop and I've learned over the year to keep myself entertained.  This time I wandered around a bit, focusing on candles.  Candles are one of those things I would use if someone else bought them for me.  I am loathe to spend the money myself.  I am even more loathe to spend my time sticking my nose in a bunch of dusty jars filled with colorful wax. 
I realized as they were checking out that it was 1:30 in the afternoon and I still hadn't had anything to eat.  I tried to remember my last meal.  Madison and I had split a basket of sweet potato fries at the bar last night.  That was it.  That was my last "meal."  I eyed the rootbeer-flavored candies.  They were appealing. 
We finally got to the hospital.  My Grandma was in the room, trying to sleep.  She was awake, but she refused to open her eyes, a normal tactic she likes to use.  We tried to get her to at least talk to us.
A few weeks ago, Faith had given me one of those headbands with reindeer ears on it.  I wore it at a Christmas party, and now I put it on in the hospital.  Even though my mood was souring, I was trying not to get upset. 
When my Grandma finally opened her eyes for more than a minute, she said "What the hell is that on your head?"
That's what she's like.  On a good day. 
She then decided she didn't want to open her eyes.  Then she was moaning for us to give her water to drink.  She's recently taken to ordering us to give her water, even though she can get it herself.  She also started ordering me around to wipe her face.  We're trying to get her out of the hospital and she won't do anything to help herself, since they try to determine if she can take of herself to place her in the appropriate kind of home. 
I went to the cafeteria to try to find something to eat.  I wandered around and saw nothing I wanted.  I have had so much sugar lately just the thought made me sick. 
I went back to my Grandma's room.  They were trying again to wake her.  She wasn't cooperating.  I suggested maybe splashing a little water in her face, which my Mom did.  My sister and I tickled her toes.  This mostly didn't work. 
She has a tv in her room, and I started looking around.  I found Criminal Minds, and this cheered me up disproportionately.  I squealed.  The sound wasn't that loud, but it scared my Grandma enough that she kept her eyes open for five minutes. 

I have recently taking to calling my love, Matthew Gray Gubler, the hottness.  Obviously if you've seen him, you don't need me to explain why I call him this.  My parents have started teasing me, because they think it's ridiculous. 
I tried to watch my show.  Nate texted me, saying Merry Christmas.  I was a little surprised, since Nate is Jewish, but I considered that maybe his family did secular Christmas celebrations.  We chatted a little via text messaging.  He said that his family was having tacos for dinner, which made me laugh and made me realize they really weren't doing anything special.  (Which is fine, because really, they don't have to.) 
Because Nate is part of a particular group of friends, I started thinking about those people.  I really wished I was celebrating Christmas with one (or more) of them instead of being stuck in this hospital, trying to bring Christmas cheer to my Grandma who not only was rudely ignoring us but not even trying to take care of herself enough to get out of the hospital. 
I texted Paul.  I almost called Paul to tell him that I missed him and explain this recent episode of my life.  He puts up with a lot from me. 
But I hesitated to call.  Paul's got family too, probably lucky enough to have the unselfish kind, and interrupting their Christmas celebrations is unfair.  I texted him "Merry Christmas."  Maybe if I was lucky he'd call me?  If not it meant he was probably busy. 
In the meantime, my family was in and out of the room, taking care of things for my Grandma.  I was left in there to watch her.  A nurse came in and started measuring her vitals.  My Grandma opened her eyes long enough to insult the woman's hair, which was tied back in a ponytail with a headband.  It looked absolutely fine, but my Grandma does this all the time, and this is part of the reason we have a hard time getting her help: no one wants to do something extra for an old woman who showers abuse on people.  I berated her for saying that. 
Then someone else came in to change her diaper and she peed all over the bed while all the sheets were gone. 

Power Down pt. 3

The power went out again yesterday, which is why I didn't update yesterday.  (I was planning to, I swear.)
So much of what I do with my time requires the Internet or at least a computer.  Much of my keeping up with friends happens online, I search for job opportunities online, I do much of my writing on my Word processor, etc.  So I suddenly didn't have a lot to do. 
I went out for a walk.  I went through the park, and at one point, got accosted by a dog.  The owner was nice enough, but the law is they're suppose to be on a leash, but I swear at least half of the dogs I see around there aren't.  I didn't time it as well as I should have, and I came back really sweaty and gross.
I decided to take a quick shower to wash off with some soap.  Just as I was about to get in, my family came home.  I didn't really want them to know I had been out, so I jumped in a little faster than normal.
And when I came out, ten minutes later, they were gone again.
So I sat in one of the rooms with decent sunlight and read another three chapters of a book I am (slowly, agonizingly) working through.  So far, it was eight chapters total for the day, which is way more than I usually read, but, like I said, most of the stuff I needed or wanted to do was unavailable to me. 
Then I tried to lay down and sleep.  I feel in and out of sleep, at one point hearing my sister and Dad talk about my sister going to my Grandma's place.  My Mom was apparently there.  My sister had her final exam the next day and wanted somewhere to study.  She was complaining that she could never get things done with Mom around.  I think the real problem is the tv blasting, but I didn't get up to say anything.  And I feel back asleep. 
I woke up around 11:30, and now the house was completely dark.  No sunlight to use.  So I went downstairs and had a real shower.  I don't know where the hot water went (I didn't use it) but the shower was deathly cold.  I tried to do that thing where you shampoo your hair and then use the water, and it kind of worked, but I had goosebumps all over. 
I got a snack, which was tough to eat in the dark because I was having trouble seeing it, but I managed.  My Dad came down and mentioned to me that my sister was gone.  I actually wasn't sure, given the tenor of the conversation I overheard, what my sister had decided.  As I was eating, my Dad went up to bed. 
After I finished, I tried reading some more.  First I tried to make it work by moonlight, but that wasn't enough.  So then I tried flashlight.  I read another chapter.  Nine chapters is one day is a lot for me, at least right now.  I've got about two hundred more pages before I finish.  I was thinking I would read more, but I felt bad about using up valuable flashlight energy, so I decided to quit. 
As I was walking upstairs, my Dad thought I was a burglar or that one was downstairs, because he went to investigate.  Scared me a little. 
I couldn't sleep.  After my little trip back to school, I was pleasantly surprised by how I adjusted into a more normal sleep cycle.  I was so pleased at myself, because usually I can only keep it going for a day or two before it messes up.  But I managed this one for over a week.  And then all this strange no-power, screwed-up schedule ended it.  I guess I should have known it wasn't going to last. 
I did finally fall into an uneasy sleep before dawn.  I woke up to the sound of my Dad on the phone with someone, then him rustling around in the kitchen.  It meant the power wasn't on, and that he was probably trying to clean out the refrigerator before things went bad. 

I Hate Being a Cliche

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping these last few months, more so than the previous months when I was still at school.
Part of it is stress.  Just thinking about all the things going on in my family makes me so upset.  I often get really angry while I'm lying in bed, when I have the moment to consider just how awful some particular thing was.
And then I think about friends I'm having issues with, and it's all I can do not to pick a fight, even if I have to call that person to have that fight. 
The last week or so, I've been playing this "music" of it raining and thundering.  As I've mentioned before, I really like this sound, and now that we're in a dry season, it doesn't rain much.  Sometimes this sound stuff helps me fall asleep, sometimes not so much. 
I got up around two yesterday, and played Solitaire on my computer.  I was hoping that would tire me out.  After losing four out of my six games, I realized no, that it wasn't helping.  I was sleeping and my game wasn't getting better.
And then I laid in bed, doing the tossing and turning thing.  God.  I hate being a cliche.
If you've ever had trouble sleeping, you know that it's awful, because you know what you want to happen, you usually fix things in your favor so that will happen, but still you're just waiting.  In my case, my brain accelerates at two hundred miles per hour and I can't slow things down.  Usually, my brain going this fast is a good thing, because it's part of what makes me a good student.  But it works against me too, since when I haven't had much sleep my brain gets sluggish and I say stupid stuff. 
Then, last night, my jaw started hurting.  Why is beyond me, as I was laying on my side (like I usually do) and, except for the sleeping thing, was fine. 
After a while, I must have fallen asleep.  Probably some time after three. 

Hibernate Now, Graduate Later

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping the last two months. I didn't sleep much last night, which is why I want to scream now that I'm tired but am suppose to be up for graduation in a few hours.
So I'm going to try to nap. Wish me luck on the getting up on time thing.