Superbowl Party

I spent the Superbowl at a party.  In years past, I would go hang out at Paul's place.  He'd usually have a huge party and I would always have a ton of fun. 
This year, Paul didn't have a party, so I guess I didn't miss anything.  So I went over to hang with some other friends this year. 
I guess what got me was how long the game felt this year.  And, like, boring.  Usually I have a great time watching the game, but after the halftime I lost all enthusiasm. 
Mimi was there, and she mostly talked about things that we totally random.  Amanda and I giggled a little about it.  Eventually Amanda got so bored with the game that she took a nap (and missed the Steelers getting another touchdown.) 
At the same time, I was chatting with Michael about the whole Af-Pak situation, which, I hate to say it, was way more interesting to me then the game. 
We were laughing at commercials when my Dad called me.  I don't know why my Dad was calling me when the Superbowl is clearly on, but I just ignored it.  I had sent him an email yesterday. 
Amanda woke up and we chatted about how few guys were here and how weird it was to not hear the deep bass sound of the guys or the popping sound of people opening up beers. 
This girl was at the party.  Like a lot of girls, she didn't know much about football.  I can sympathize, since when I'm around boys (especially certain boys) they make me feel bad, not even about not knowing the rules, but not every little things. 
But this girl asked if a team could win by one point.  Um...yes? 
Amanda said it best when she said it was an uneventful game and there weren't any good commercials. 
More than anything, going to this party and watching this game made me miss Paul.  If I was hanging with Paul, I'd be having a ball, but mostly I was just sort of disappointed. 

Happy Gobble Gobble

I almost said something to Elena about Thanksgiving having a traditional nap as well as a meal.  It seems that she never studies except when I need to do something in the room. 
So I attempted to sleep and faded in and out, but didn't really sleep the way I wanted to.  Even though I was still tired, I gave up. 
And then of course, twenty minutes after I got up, she left.  I feel very much like I can't win. 
Some of my friends invited me to come round and watch the Thanksgiving episode of Friends, which I was actually excited for.  I haven't watched those episodes since last year, and I always enjoy them.
Right before I got there I passed the community table, which is basically where people drop off stuff they don't want anymore.  I got this adorable SpongeBob humidifier.  I don't really need a humidifier, but I just sort of like having this bright sunshine in my room.  He's sitting on the window sill near my bed and it really makes me smile.  I'm thinking if I get crafty with it, I can maybe repurpose to be a lamp.  When Elizabeth and Jenny saw it, they thought it was really cute.  An old lady saw me with it and gushed over it, which surprised me, because I've seen her be really nasty at other people.  I don't think she was familiar with SpongeBob, because she didn't recognize him. 
When I got there they were watching Varsity Blues, which is such a sexist, nasty movie.  Lola really likes the film, though I haven't the faintest idea why, considering how it portrays women and generally stupid it is.  I mostly texted people instead.
We watched the first three Thanksgiving episodes of Friends.  I had a good laugh.
My parents called, and I spoke to them on the phone briefly.  I was actually a little annoyed, since I got off the phone right as third episode was ending and everyone else wanted to go home.  So then it was over. 
I watched a bit of tv.  Paul texted me that he was grateful that I listen to him when he needed to talk to someone.  Earlier in the day I had texted him that I was thankful he put up with me.  I had been thinking about Paul the day before, during a conversation about Thanksgiving and being grateful for things.  The thing I find I am most consistently grateful for are me friends.  And in the last year or so, Paul and I have become really close.  So I found myself thinking about how particularly grateful I am for him, even when I get on his nerves sometimes. 
Later on, Jimmy and I talked, and it was so nice to catch up with him.  I told him about a writing project which I've been considering.  Jimmy told me about how his family has a tradition of "complaining" that a particular dessert needs "more practice."  It sounds like a fun little ritual.  We had a lovely little chat about our lives and plans for the future.  Jimmy is thinking of applying to the same graduate schools I am, which means maybe we'll end up at the same place.  A girl can dream, right?
It might also be good because then they'll be someone around I can trust.  And maybe it'll encourage Paul to come live there, and maybe together?  (Paul and I've been chatting about being roommates for over a year now.  I suspect we have to do it now.)
So it's been a really quiet, though very pleasant, sort of holiday. 

Conversation with Paul

Paul and I were talking later in the evening.  We were mostly being a little gossipy, as I told him the latest news on Ryan.  We were sort of amazed about it, given what we knew about him. 
Inevitably, this means we started talking about relationships in general.  Paul told me last year that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and even though part of me is sad for him and for a lucky girl who should be dating him, I want to respect his feelings.  He's my friend, after all. 
"Do you want to be in a relationship?" he asked. 
I paused.  I thought about all the boys who I couldn't be with because they were gay, had girlfriends, were a million miles away, were clearly not interested, or, my favorite, not really as great as they first seemed. 
"Yes...but not just with anyone." 
"Well, I didn't think you were like Trusty and would just date for the attention." 
Usually I can't have conversations like these with boys, just because they are awkward and have a hard time opening up, but then Paul started in on something else, and we left it at that.  Two weeks ago we hashed out all of his unhappiness with the relationship concept, so there was no need to revisit it. 

Brunch at Ben's

Ben was gracious enough to invite us over for biscuits and gravy at his place for brunch.  I was hoping for the opportunity to see Daniel and Danny, two of the only people I hadn't seen yet on this trip. 
I made the mistake of telling Ben the day before about how I had met my first boyfriend online (in the dark days of the Internet, before Facebook or Myspace) at fourteen.
"Fourteen?" he had repeated.
"I was very sophisticated," I had said, which was a total lie.  I doubt I qualify as that now.  But my comment made Ben decide to play some old jazz music, which I enjoyed. 
I complained to them about the mosquito bites I got the day before.  Every time I'm out even at little at night in the Summertime, I get eaten up.  I had seven of them, mostly on my ankles.  
Ben's food, like Jimmy's, was delicious.  Again, those two boys can cook for me any time they want.  (Ben for breakfast, Jimmy for dinner.  Hell, I bet I could get Paul to handle lunch.  Then I would be the happiest and most well-fed girl in all the world.)  I was a little wary of the gravy, since I usually despise it.  But it was good, and it went well with the biscuits that Paul and Jimmy got for us.  And there was lemonade, so I was happy. 
Sadly, I couldn't hang around long because of all the drama going on at home, so I had to leave.  I missed seeing Danny and Daniel.  What a pity, right?  I haven't spoken to either of them that much since graduation. 
I went back to Nate's place, packed up my stuff.  I left a thank you note for Nate.  My Dad came, we loaded the car.  I got the weirdest feeling that I was missing something, so I kept checking my stuff.  I checked for my ID, money, jewelry, dresses, everything there.
So we went home.  It was uneventful back, but I was so tired by the time we got home.  All I wanted to do was to lay down.  We were suppose to go to a party for Alicia, who is going to MSU this coming year herself.  But I didn't want to move anywhere, plus it was raining. 
As I was looking to lay down, I noticed my pillow was gone.  And then it occurred to me.  I hadn't packed my pillow.  I had forgotten something at MSU.
Maybe this was a sign that I was, indeed, incapable of leaving MSU, because every time I was there, I kept forgetting to bring something home.  And not, say, my heart or anything like that but real stuff, like hoodies and locks and now my pillow.  Maybe this is a sign that I'm always going to need a reason to go back.  I felt like a moron.  I texted Nate, and he said he would guard my stuff. 
Then I finally laid down and got myself some decent sleep.  Couch surfing at Nate's was fine for a few days, but I wouldn't want to do it long term.  Not good for my back. 

Lunch with Paul

Nate and I had a long talk, mostly about relationships, and then we retired to our separate rooms.  Nate and I, I suspect, could really live together.  I think we get along swimmingly.
The next morning, we were waiting for a call from Jimmy, who was going to be able to tell us what was the what when it came to Paul visiting.  Paul was really the reason for this entire visit.  At the beginning of the month, Paul texted me, saying that he was going to visiting, and that maybe I should consider coming too.  Twenty minutes later, Nate texted me, also saying that I should come visit.  It took a bit of work, but I managed it.  And now I was finally going to see the person I wanted to see: Paul.
As I was waiting, I began setting out my stuff to retouch my toenails.  As I was just about to start, Nate got the call.  Paul was indeed here.  So we should all meet over at Jimmy's place.
When we got there, Jimmy cracked open the door.  There he was, his beard recently trimmed.  I hugged him and it felt so good and familiar.  And then I hugged Paul, and again, good and familiar.  Then next thing I thought was "Damn, Paul's lost some weight."  Like, at least ten pounds.
Ben was going to hang out with us too, so we walked to a Chinese food place via Jimmy's suggestion.  Paul joked about how Jimmy had taken Kristina to this same place for their dinner before the Honor's College Ball.  I hadn't heard this but I was sort of horrified.  I mean, I don't know if going out before hand is necessary, but seriously, not some hole in the wall with suspicious looking furniture.
It was broiling hot outside.  I was grateful that I had worn a light shirt and capris.  We sat inside, but I could feel sweet build on my forehead and above my lips.
We ordered food.  We ate.  We watched this scary television program they were playing in the restaurant.
I haven't seen Ben in a while, and he announced he's going to graduate school in Sweden.  Ben has Swedish ancestry, so this isn't totally strange, but he doesn't speak Swedish.
I have personally considered going to England or Canada for graduate school, but the idea of going to Sweden (or any other non-English speaking country) has never occurred to me.  Apparently you don't need good grades either, as Ben assured me.  I would like to go somewhere far away for graduate school, but this has problems too.  One one hand, I like traveling and having adventures and being far away means my parents are more likely to keep their distance.  On the other hand, I'll be far from my friends, and I want to be around them.
After we ate, we headed over to this record store that I frequent.  Again, I found myself thinking about how I hadn't gotten to do so much in college.  I had a whole fantasy involving going to this store with a young man, going back to his place and putting on some spacey records, laying on our backs and having one of those long conversations that you have with someone you love.  And then being totally junior high and making out.
As you can see, in addition to having a real life, I have a pretty active fantasy life.
We mostly talked while in the store, though Ben got excited when he saw some stereo equipment on sale for a good price.
"If you don't buy it, it's like you're losing money," I said.
"Yeah, that's exactly how I feel!"
I don't really know Ben as well as the other boys, and maybe that's another failing on my part.  I seem to have managed not to do anything right in college.

The Rest of the Night

As we were walking into the apartment complex Nate lived in, we saw a little frog hoping around.  It's been raining on and off around here, so it made sense that there would be frogs out, though can honestly not even remember the last time I saw a frog there.
I spent a little time writing out my thoughts for the day.  And then I showered. 
Using someone else's private space is strange, even when there's not tons of reason to be.  It's hard not to guess what someone does to their body based on what's in their bathroom, especially with certain things sticking out.  There wasn't a lot, just things like shampoo.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  And yet I felt a little odd. 
Showering itself went fine, though it took me a while to figure out their hot and cold water situation.  I even put a little lotion on.
Like I said earlier, I've been painting my toenails.  I brought my stuff up to do so again, if need be.  Maybe if I get a little time later.
I slept okay.  I have a lot of trouble sleeping, as I've mentioned before on the blog, and sadly, this night was no different.  I thought, given how much excitement I had I would be tired, but even that wasn't enough.
I fell into a light sleep that was interrupted by Megan getting up for work.  She was relatively quiet, but there's no way to make coffee pots on stove's so. 
I fell back asleep.  When I woke up Dorian was in the kitchen, playing a game on his computer. 
Dean texted me asking if we wanted to get lunch, and, I assuming, go swimming after that, since that's what he asked for.  Nate and I are going to get ready and go soon. 
I'm also a little miffed because, right before school ending, I forgot a hoodie at church.  I called the church today, and they told me they had sent it to a shelter.  I'm a little annoyed, because it wasn't there that long, and because it's the summer, and it's a parish for students.  (Did they really expect me to come back here for it, especially if I was an out of state student?)
This is just the clearest example of me feeling that the church, for all it's carrying on, wasn't a community place, because they seemed deeply disinterested in the actual students and just interested in doing whatever.  I'm sure if I complain to Josie about this I'll get an earful. 
My plans for the rest of the weekend are this: dinner party at Erin and Nori's, hanging out with Nate, Juicebox and Paul Saturday night, then going home Sunday. 

"You Kids and Your Social Life"

Tori and Ashley and I spent the afternoon out together.  We ran into Erik, one of the boys we went to school with.  Erik and I had been in a gym class together my senior year.  I knew him because, at the time, he was dating one of my friends.  We had bonded over a mutual love of metal music.  Erik is now at MSU with so many of my other friends, though I don't know what he's studying.  We run into each other sometimes at MSU, but today we ran into each other at my hometown.  It was nice.  He is lucky enough to have a job this summer. 
I came home.  As I was taking off my shoes, my Dad came in.  "You want to get dinner?"
"Can't.  I have to shower and then I am going to see a show with Madison and some other people."
"You kids and your social life."
I've been thinking a lot about my Dad and his social life, or his lack of it.  Everyone else in our house has got stuff to do.  My Mom is running a business, taking care of my Grandma, and getting ready for a convention.  My sister is taking a class and has a job.  I'm working on and off, writing, applying for jobs and internships and catching up with old friends.  My Dad isn't doing any of that.  He mostly just gets up early and watches tv and go out for drives.  I think it's why he balks so much at everyone else being gone.  He has nothing else to really think about, which is why I get such frantic calls from him about what I'm doing.
Because of the time, I had to hurry to get ready.  I showered, ate some dinner (Lemon Rice soup, a favorite of mine), and got dressed.  I had texted Madison to ask what I should wear.  She said just a t-shirt and some jeans.  I was going to go for slightly fancier, since it is always better to be more dressed up than not.  For the first time since my steampunk convention, I used makeup.  I almost never wear makeup, and I'm proud of myself for only using it occasionally. 
Tori came and got me and we went over to Madison's.  When we got there, we found Lisa and Michael sitting in Michael's car outside Madison's house.  We chatted a bit.  Tori felt my arm and was like "Oh!  So soft."  She took my arm and stuck it into the car.  "Feel."  Both Lisa and Michael felt my arm and agreed.  With other people, this might have been a weird thing, but we've been around each other for so long that it didn't really faze me.  It was like when I spent time with Paul.  Paul and I lay all over each other, and neither the two of us or anyone else gets worked up about it.  And, to be fair, Tori, Lisa and Michael are not the first people to comment on my soft arms. 
We went inside and found Madison and her boyfriend Ted hanging out.  I haven't seen Ted since New Years' Eve.  He seems like a pretty cool dude.  Michael wanted to play some piano pieces he's learning, and he did.  He's an amazing piano player.
As we sat around waiting for Ashley, Tori told us that we should have told Ashley a half an hour before we meant her to show.  Ashley is notoriously late, and we almost always run late when we get together because of her.  I once showed up to something a half an hour late myself, and Tori was like "No worries.  You still beat Ashley here."
We sat around and chatted about things.  We talked about Michael's Dad, who drives Michael a little crazy.  I mentioned to everyone that I had met Michael's Dad, but that his Dad didn't acknowledge me, so maybe he doesn't remember me.  Michael laughed and said it was true.

This Chaos Could or Couldn't Work

Paul and I were walking out of this restaurant.  We had spent the entire evening drinking. 
As we drove home, we talked about him.  Things are really rough with him.  He failed a class last year and now he's gotten kicked out of the Honors College.  He hasn't told him parents yet.  There's no way that's not going to be bad.  His mother will probably be angry.  His Dad will go nuts on him. 
"If you need to, I can probably arrange it so that you can come sleep at my house," I said. 
"Thanks." 
We talked about music.  I told him that I liked this new indie thing, but that I still loved some good rock and roll.
Admitting this is a big deal for me, because for years I've been trying not to get sucked in.  I think part of my reservation was that it came in and swept great rock aside, and I missed that.  I think the other thing was Dan.  Dan loves it so much, and despite loving Dan, I was suspicious of it.
But the more I think about it, the more I realize I should love it.  The aesthetic encourages the annihilation of gender.  It allows guys to be more gentle and show when they're sad.  It allows both some aspects of hard rock and more mellow music.  I logically, given my own musical history, love it.
I'm still a little reluctant about some things, like the hardcore who bash everything else in comparison to it.  But that's a small group, and well, I would ignore them for other reasons.
When I got home, I said goodbye to Paul.  I was sorry we had to end the night early, but it turned out to be a good thing, because when I got in, my Mom asked me if I could go babysit my Grandma in the morning and early afternoon.  I said sure, but that I wanted to spend the afternoon in the library.  Deal.
Then I went to check my email.  There's a ton of stuff going on.  Jennifer is going back to Lansing, would I like to come along?
I've been invited back up next week, and I want to go, but right before that I have a party in Ann Arbor that I a maybe attending.  If I go to the party in Ann Arbor (which I really want to go to), then I won't be able to hop that ride with Jenn.  On the other hand, it looks like my family is going to be in chaos next week because my Mom is going to a business conference, and whenever that happens, it's craziness.  This chaos could work for or against me.  If my sister takes the car and disappears, then I'll be out of luck.  If my Dad is looking for any excuse to get out of town, he'll be more than happy for me to give it to him.  So, maybe. 
When it rains it pours, etc. 
I also got an email from Ashley.  That lucky girl is in China and writing me emails from her trip.  (She's out there to learn Chinese.)  She told me all about her latest adventures, including going to a mosque.  I've sent back a bunch of questions asking about it, because I was under the impression that China was not into religion. 
And then I did the whole lay down and try to sleep thing.  Again, no luck.  I was hoping the alcohol I had would make me more sleepy, since I've been told that's one of the things it does, but no.  I laid in bed for hours without much luck.  Bah. 
I fell asleep sometime around five.  My alarm rang at eight.  I was suppose to get up for Grandma, but I totally didn't get up.  Maybe I would be lucky and my Mom wouldn't wake me? 

People, I'm Here. Really.

Kevin texted me tonight as I was watching Jeopardy.  I thought maybe it might be Paul, since the two of us used to watch the show on occasion, but no.  I haven't talked to Paul since graduation. 
But talking to Kevin was nice.  He told me about work and his boyfriend. 
And now I see that Nate left me a message.
I'm so relieved that someone wants to talk to me.  I've been a little lonely, as embarrassed as I am to admit that.  I think it's mostly the stress of having to take care of my (almost-died-but-my-family-lied-to-me-about-it) Grandma. 
When I was a teenager and got really depressed, I shut myself off from everyone.  I didn't want to talk to everyone; being forced to interact with people at school, church, extracurriculars, etc. wasn't fulfilling anyone.  (But then again nothing was.  All I wanted to do was disappear into oblivion.) 
Now, of course, the situations different: I'm in a forced isolation to do what's right and missing people a lot.  
So, hey, if you're out there, keep those messages coming.  I'm quite at my leisure.  I'm willing to talk about anything with my friends.