I am totally fascinated with this rap song, which asks listeners to consider what a black Tea Party would look like. I like that this song questions how white people are given far more leeway when it comes to their behavior. They are allowed to make militant speeches or express anger without it being stereotyped as angry or dangerous.
When I was younger, I started leaving rooms when I got really angry. I didn't have to do it a lot, but occasionally I did. I did it mostly to allow myself the time and space to calm down.
At around one in the morning yesterday I realized I needed to do the same thing. So I grabbed my key and left.
I ended up in one of the common rooms, watching television. The screen was all snowy, but I watched part of an episode of Stargate Universe, which I had actually never seen before. I tried to concentrate on the show and not what was making me angry, although my mind kept wandering back to my problems. I hate this.
By the time I went back to my room, I had a compromise in mind. It was too late to do anything about it tonight, so I tried to sleep.
And couldn't. Again, even though I tried to concentrate on sleep, my mind was wheeling around problems. This is both a good and bad feature. Good in that I can usually quickly figure out how to fix something. Bad in that I have a hard time thinking about anything else, and when I'm trying to sleep, not being able to relax is bad.
But also because, well, the problem was my sleep. There's a lot of noise on the street below us, even well into the night. My roommate won't let me close the window at night because she says she gets too hot. And then the noise keeps me up. (It apparently doesn't bother her one bit.) Instead of her, say, not wearing winter pajamas to bed, which would be an obvious way to fix it, she said something that angered me last night, which is what prompted the retreat. I was trying to be the better person, but trying to do that was meaning I was up half the night, the sound of ambulance sirens and car door alarms keeping me up.
I tried to tire myself out. I have all sorts of tricks that sometimes work. I got on my computer for a half hour, hoping the harsh computer glare would make my eyes tired. No luck.
Around 4:30 this morning, still awake but in that state of "dear God, just let me sleep," another set of sirens went off and I finally shut the window. It took me at least another half hour, but I finally fell back asleep.
She woke my up in the morning, opening her drawers and doing something strange with liquid. (Every morning there's a glug, glug, glug sound and I find myself wondering why she can't do that in the kitchen, since that is where she is heading next. I am trying to be patient, but I am stunned by how generally inconsiderate she is. When she is sleeping and I'm awake, I try to do things that are either inherently quiet or if they aren't and they have to get done, I try to do them as quietly as possible. Every morning she must open and close at least six drawers.)
I got up then because it's not worth trying to fight it. I just got up and waited for her to close her drawers enough to let me walk past. Once she was out of the room to get her breakfast I changed and got breakfast myself.
I was tired at breakfast this morning. My eyes were doing that itchy thing that tells me they're red and that I'm tired. I didn't really feel like talking to anyone. I thought about offering her a compromise, trying to decide which one would be the best.
When I got back to the room, I sat down at my computer and started doing my usual morning routine of catching up with the news. And she left. I was going to offer it to her this morning, but she's gone.
Part of me is still really angry. Like, ready to pick a nasty fight angry. But the other part of me so wants to make this work, since other then the noise thing, I mostly don't mind her. I can try to forgive the early morning wake up if I can just manage some decent sleep in the first place.
I should probably explain: I love Lee Pace. As far as I'm concerned, he was my celebrity boyfriend a year ago. I love him in a whole slew of things: Pushing Daisies, The Fall, Wonderfalls, The Good Shepard, Miss Pettrigrew Lives for a Day, even Possession. Which is why this terribly looking children's movie that makes my soul die inside actually makes me angry. I've needed a Lee Pace fix forever, and this is what I get?
Zut alors. Today was my last day of classes. I was kind of wondering if something of note was going to happen, but nothing really did.
Morning meant African history, where we watched this cool movie called Poison Fire. It's about the destruction of the Niger Delta by oil companies. If you think the oil spill in the news lately was bad, you haven't seen even a millionth of it. Lunch with friends, where mostly we talked about movies. I asked Dan about his future plans, and he told me that he was planning on being around MSU for another year. Early Modern European history next, which was okay. I'm still on the fence about the class. The subject is mostly interesting, and most of the other students are alright, but the professor frustrates me. I'm going to really miss Kelly, who is probably my closest friend in the class. We had a great discussion today about The Divine Comedy. It's been years since I read it, and trying to have a discussion about it to a class that hadn't read it is trying. The professor made this strange comparison between Dante's masterpiece and A Christmas Carol. I joked that now I want to see a Muppet version of The Divine Comedy. I actually think the idea has some potential. Imagine it: Kermit as Dante, Fonzie as Virgil. A bunch of the characters can play saints. If we wanted to integrate some of the Seasame Street characters, I'd say Oscar the Grouch would have to be in Hell, just 'cause he's so miserable. ("Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!") The best part of this idea: Miss Piggy as Beatrice. Lol. She's totally the opposite of Beatrice, but I feel like it would be fun. My last class was my feminism class. I feel like I've gotten a lot out of this class. Sam and I were talking last night, and she mentioned that she totally wanted to have a "angry feminist rant day," and I totally agree with her. I need to vent some anger; I don't care how silly I sound. Mostly, we ate snacks and talked about Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit. I'm going to really miss hanging with certain people in this class, mostly Erin, Jamie, Kate and Sam. I met each of them a different year of college. Sam I met in my very first English class (so it feels appropriate we're ending in the same class.) Erin I met through Jon and Jane. Kate I met in my Greek Religion class. And Jamie I just met right before school started this term. Everywhere I go this last week or so, I find myself looking back to whoever I run into and think "Oh my gosh! We've known each other for x amount of years, but it seemed like I met you a month ago." Things really do fly by. My big plans this evening were a walk and a nap. I ran into Mark and got sidetracked. Mark is really awesome. He's one of those people who you connect to on such a deep level. I feel like we are on the same wavelength. Quite possibly we could talk forever and never say everything. I have a couple of other friends like that (Josie, Colin, and Ashley all come to mind), and I love finding a new one. It's good to know somewhere someone gets you. So no walk today, shockingly. Just a nap.
Basically, nothing interesting happened today (as a certain British king infamously wrote...), but I always end up missing the little and strange things about my past. When I think on my past, I always miss the people in it, especially the ones I don't see often anymore. I miss those great conversations, and the regular meet-ups (hallways, cafeterias, classrooms, church, basements, the woods, the Forum) and the jokes. And that's probably what I'll miss most about here: wandering into my friend's rooms at all hours of the day and night to talk or watch Jeopardy or House or Chuck, sitting around in the hallways having hours-long conversations and then getting yelled at by the mentors, having "homework parties" in rooms or lobbies, running into each other in unexpected places, taking classes together, making bad horror films late at night in the basement like the one above, caf sitting, office hours, working, and generally being a family. It's going to take a while for me to move on. I don't even have the time right now to compress and get all my feelings out. By this time next week, I hope to begin the process.
